DAY 7
CHAPTER 30
Carla and Jim
Carla I wondered at the beginning if we would make through all those questions, a thick sheaf of questions there.
Gary Oh man, yeah, the first obstacle was just getting you guys to accept. [laughter] I thought, Jim especially . . .
Carla It was a while before Jim was even willing to consider it.
Gary Oh, your initial impulse wasn’t to go with it.
Jim Well, personal stuff.
Carla We’re not important.
Jim Generally a private person.
Carla And you know I expressed the concern that if people thought that we were more important than the material, that that would be all screwed up. I did not want that. So you just reassured me and I trust you.
What’s your next one, sweetheart?
Gary It’s about your marriage, and I’m wondering if I should . . .
Carla Well, you could use Chloe and Pickwick* as a good visual aid to that. They’re so intertwined and comfortable together.
Gary They look like a yin-yang together. I’m going to take a picture.
I would like to ask you about the evolution of your relationship, from its inception, through the Ra contact, to the marriage in 1987, to your unique balance of closeness and independence, to Jim’s transformational heart opening at the ocean, and to your current dance.
Jim Oh, that’s all one question? [laughter] Well, when we first met, the first time at her apartment, with Don there for the meditation, I was very attracted to Carla just as a person. I could tell that she was a really good person. So I was really looking forward to coming to meditations. When it came time to move, I helped them move from that location on Douglas Boulevard out to Waterson Trail where we eventually had the Ra contact. Carla and I were a whole lot more involved with each other, we were much closer. And we had that hug, that memorable hug in the kitchen.
Carla Mmm. That was transformational.
Jim Yeah, we were over at the new house, moving things in, and we just gave each other a big hug, and neither of us wanted it to end, so we knew that we were . . . together; it felt right. We ought to pursue this. So, we became intimate, and Don gave his blessing, and [laughs] when it came time for me to head out to Oregon, they had a housekeeper by the name of Alia, and I came by to say goodbye, and Alia came to let Carla know that I was here. She said, “Ah, come say goodbye to the turkey.”
Gary Wasn’t happy with you.
Jim Yeah.
Carla [laughs] I wasn’t happy with him!
Jim Yeah. What was the name of the song you wrote after I drove down the driveway? “Hit and Run Blues”?
Carla Yeah, I felt like I’d been bowled over by a truck. [chuckles]
Jim I went up to Oregon and then when I came back we had a wonderful reunion.
* Two of Carla and Jim’s cats were lying intertwined together on the bed, one nearly all black, the other an orange-and-white mix.
Carla Yes, we did.
Jim And then after that we were a group. The three of us were a group, though Carla and I saw ourselves as being intimate lovers—a couple. It was also very obvious that the primary couple was Don and Carla. Always has been, and always would be as long as Don Elkins was alive. There wasn’t any problem with that. There wasn’t any problem with Don, no problem with me, no problem with Carla. It was just the way things were, and that was indicative of the entire relationship between the three of us. For some reason, it all felt just very right. It felt like it was a culmination of a well-laid plan. So we all just went with it.
And as we progressed and went through the Ra contact we became closer, and then, as Don had his difficulties in the last year of his life, we were thrown together even more trying to figure out the best thing to do for Don—how to help him, how to keep L & L functioning. And that brought us even more closely together. After Don died, it was obvious that now we were the couple, and the thing to consider now was what kind of couple. And Carla said, “Well, you know, it makes sense to get married,” and I said, “Yeah, I know. If we’re going to be together, might as well be together in the most powerful way possible. And that is as a married couple. Let’s just take advantage of the situation, of what life has brought us, and let’s get married!”
So we got married in ’87—May 30, 1987, and Don died in ’84—November 7th . . . so it was a couple years, a proper grieving time, and then it was just obvious: let’s get married. And we did. Carla planned the wedding. She did a bang-up job. You know what goes into that!† [laughter]
She did it all by herself. Had a three-ring notebook with contacts, and it’s probably still around here someplace, for the various things.
Carla It probably is, with things taped on the pages that I needed. I didn’t do all of it on computer as I would today, it was all . . . If you cut and pasted it was with scissors and glue.
Jim Yeah, you really cut and paste. [laughter] So, we got married, and we went on a honeymoon, and Carla got claustrophobia—at first I guess on the plane, and then on the ship. The ship especially. We were in an inner
† The questioner was married to the love of his own life three months later.
room that had no windows.
Carla After I had requested, specifically, not to do that, but to have an outer room.
Jim So we saw the ship’s doctor, and he prescribed an outer room and some Xanax. And a lot of trips to the shore. The ship was going around on the cruise to various of the Hawaiian Islands. He said, “Be sure to get off and take the tours. Get off the ship.”
So we did, and we had a good time wandering up and down the streets of Honolulu and going to the hotel. Interesting place. It’s tropical there all year round so they don’t have any need for outside doors. You just walk into the place; you don’t open a door, you just walk in. And spent a lot of time sight-seeing with shops of one kind or another, looking for some little knick-knack or clothes or jewelry or something. Think we might have even gone to the beach one day. [chuckles]
Carla Not sure about that.
Jim Not sure about that, you know, we were in Hawaii and . . . then we came back and set up shop and as they say, the rest is history.
Carla Made a good life.
Jim Yeah. And various medical problems would pop up from time to time. They’ve always been there, as you’ve covered so well. They were there from the birth to the present.
Carla Now at the beginning, as I’ve made fairly clear before, there was no romance. There was an incredible amount of admiration, mutual respect for each other’s characters, the probity and the uprightness with which each had lived life, and we found great comfort in that. And we’re glad to be together, but Jim had no feeling for me, no heart feeling for me. He didn’t want to write songs or—
Jim It hadn’t skipped a beat yet. [laughter]
Carla Yeah, and I missed that. I missed the romance and sweet talk and just that pull. I’m not talking about the pull from one person to another sexually. That was easy; we were both young and healthy, and Jim was beautiful, and I was relatively pretty, and it all worked out great. But that heart connection that goes beyond those things—uh-uh—it wasn’t there. He needed his time alone to the point where, if it got really intense like it did during a really sick period where I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t sit up . . . I’ve talked about that prior to ’92, I think. He went to the country and stayed at the farm for one night, and he really valued that time. He was totally alone in the wilderness, and that was like a prescription for him. Take two wilderness and I’ll see you tomorrow.
[laughter]
And so it was like that until, I guess, ’96. And I loved him anyway, so I took it—I accepted it. It was just one of those things. You don’t get everything, and I had the best guy in the world, and the best job in the world. So I made a life a life out of that, and was happy to do so.
Jim Well, the crucial point, the point of change, was actually in 1994—
Carla Oh, ’94.
Jim —at Pawley’s Island, on the beach. We had been going there since, I guess, the early ’80s. Even when Don was alive we went there a couple of times. And they have old cabins, built in the ’40s and ’50s, that the owners rent out to vacationers on a weekly basis. And it was wonderful; we had a great time. The food was good. There was a place to go shopping, and we went out and jumped the waves. We had a great time jumping waves. We’d have a little place on the beach with our towels and a chair, just hanging out. Then we’d go out into the water, and the waves would be coming in, and we would actually jump them. And sometimes they’d be big enough, you know—they’d wash you back toward the shore, and you’d trudge out there again, jump another wave or two.
One particular day, though, or one particular visit, Hurricane Gordon was close, or coming within the next day. We were going to have to evacuate. But we were out jumping some waves and we got caught in a riptide. The way to get out of a riptide is to swim parallel to the beach, but we didn’t know that at the time. We got caught in the riptide and it was taking us out. And I’m not a good swimmer. I even took swimming in college to learn how to swim because, since I had asthma as a kid, the doctor specifically said, “Don’t do too much to strain yourself to cause an asthmatic attack.” And swimming is one of the most strenuous things you can do, so I didn’t learn to swim till I was in college. So I wasn’t a good swimmer. And the riptide was taking me out, and Carla was there with me going out too, except she’s a fish, and she floats naturally. She has to wear weights to get in the bathtub when it’s too full of water. [laughter]
Anyway, I was heading out, and she was heading out. She all of a sudden got this image to get behind me and put her feet on my butt. She pushes me with her feet, and pushes me enough that I’m able to find ground down there and wade my way out of the riptide. However, Carla was moving out toward the ocean. And it’s a beautiful day: the sun’s out, the storm is still way off, you can’t see it. And she’s thinking, ah, it’s a beauti-ful day to die. [chuckles] It didn’t look like she was going to come back, but somehow, another wave came and deposited her on the shore. And we looked at each other and said, “Phoof! Let’s go back to the cabin for a while!” [laughing] And all of a sudden I was seeing her in another light. She’d risked her life, willing to give her life for me. And it just seemed like a very—I mean, I didn’t have to think about it—I love this person! [laugh-ter]
You know: I love you! And from that point on, there hasn’t been any doubt. It’s love the hard way: have her save your life.
Carla Yeah, it was wonderful to have my husband fall in love with me. It’s a gift almost nobody ever gets. And I was so grateful. I still am.
Jim Me too.
Carla I didn’t need it to have a good life with Micky but, oh my God, it’s been wonderful to have that. So I’ve never stopped being grateful. And of course I was in love with him all along. He’s my cowboy.
Gary Is there anything you would say about your current dance: you taking care of Carla, Carla taking care of you?
Jim Well, it’s closer than it’s ever been before. I’d imagine it’s going to continue that way. I mean, I just feel so much love for her and so much sympathy because she’s going through so much and has been through so much. I just want to do everything I can to help her out, and I plan on doing that for the rest of my life, whatever condition she’s in.
Carla He’s wonderful. What can I say? It may be a little bit challenging to appreciate exactly where I am because it’s not what I would have chosen. And I have to call on my faith, which I do. But the one thing I don’t have to worry about is my marriage, my closest relationship. I know that it’s so full of love it overflows constantly, and I have no doubt it will continue like that.
Gary You said that Don’s last work in this world was to select the Louisville home that you have lived in ever since. What has been your relationship with this gift from Don?
Jim Well, we both love it a lot.
Carla We take care of it and we open it up just as he wanted us to, to offer it as a spiritual home for other wanderers. The spiritual home, not the nuclear family. So our family is very large, and I’m grateful for all my children. I love them to death, every one.
Jim The yard’s large enough to play in and make into a pseudo-wilderness environment.
Carla Jim just makes every place in the yard a different experience of the spirit, with what he plants and how he uses rocks and plants together. It is very 3D, very organic. He and I have worked on stuff, like it was my idea to put a little path in—you know that—and the way that bricks are in the path, that was my idea too.
Jim And then the steps up to the gazebo were your idea. I was going to put it on the ground but you said, “Put it up in the air, put some steps there.”
Carla Yeah, well even having a meditation hut at all was my idea.
Jim You’ve ordered all kinds of flowers and perennials to put out there.
Carla Yeah, and we’ve picked flowers together. So it’s really his work, and I was chief weeder until I couldn’t do it anymore, and it was our mutual concept. But we both feel that this house is absolutely gorgeous. It’s wonderful. And we try to treat it with great respect. It’s an old lady; she’s been here since 1923, so she’s coming up on her century. But we keep the roof patched and the eaves painted and the rest—I should say that Jim does—and so that it’s a pleasure for people to visit, I think. It’s a magical place. We put so much love into all of it. The house loves us back, I think.
Gary Ra describes a desk or a table or a shelf you were working with and says that it “sang with pride” or “glowed with pride.”
Jim Sang with beauty. Yeah, that was the altar upon which we put all the accoutrements: the candle, the incense, the book (the Bible) and so forth . . . the chalice. It had a bottom that allowed it to be scooted under the bed and be stable, because we had a problem with the room to walk the Circle of One around the bed [Carla chuckles] that Carla laid upon for the session. We needed as much room as possible at the head of the bed, so I made a table that could slide under the head of the bed. Carla would be far enough away that it wouldn’t be bothering her or take up any walking space. I’m not sure if it’s still down in the basement or not.
Carla He built it and he polished it and rubbed it with oil until it was just, truly, I mean literally shining.
Gary And Ra said that it sang with love?
Jim Something like that, yeah. It was singing. [laughter]
Carla It was a beauty, wasn’t it?
Jim It was a beauty, yeah.
Carla We could look it up.
Gary It’s a positive quality. I would imagine if they altered . . .
Carla Somebody will look it up eventually and tell us.‡
Gary Yeah. Where’s Austin when you need him? (Anytime he’s around, a question that has been asked, whether directed to him or not, he’s got the answer for, usually by using his phone.)
So if that one piece glowed or sang love, then I imagine that this house and its grounds do so as well.
Carla Mmm-hm. Oh, yeah, this house and its grounds I think really do hold a feeling of magic and worship. Isn’t that wonderful that we were able to do that.
‡ Ra actually said that it “sings with joy”:
QUESTIONER I would just ask as a final question, then, if the new table that Jim has built for the appurtenances is satisfactory to hold them since it will give us more room to walk around the bed, and if it is better to leave it in its natural condition as it is, or to coat it with linseed oil or varnish or paint?
RA I am Ra. We view this appurtenance. It sings with joy. The pine vibrates in praise. Much investment of this working in wood has been done. It is acceptable. We may suggest it be left either as it is or rubbed with the oil which also is easily magnetized and holds the proffered vibration to a profound extent. 98.16
Gary I think it’s spoken to a lot of people over the years, myself included.
Carla I’m glad. I’m glad. That’s what we did it for.
Gary This could be a difficult question to answer. Might be a simple one. How has your spirituality grown over the years?
Jim I guess I think about what I do more than ever before in terms of the spiritual ramifications. Every act, no matter how small, is an expression of my spiritual journey, and every act, in order to be in beauty and love, needs to be consciously undertaken. And I’m still working on every act. [chuckles] But it’s very apparent to me that everything I do needs to be done consciously.
Carla Me, I think it’s just patch, patch, patch, you know. When I see something that needs work, then I’m on it. I remember when you pointed out to me that I constantly interrupt people, and it never occurred to me before. But I thought about it, and it immediately became clear to me: well, that’s the way my parents communicated. Everybody talked over everybody. A lot of times when people are explaining themselves, they’ll start into it and you get it before they’re done, long before they’re done. So why waste that time? Why not go ahead with it and say, “Yeah, I understand this,” and then you can enlarge the discussion, not just sit there and wait and wait and wait. And really, it’s too bad, because this is unusual. I mean, they were two very intelligent people, and they just were impatient and they didn’t want to wait. They didn’t want to give respect to each other. And I could see that there was a much more gracious way to work on it, to relate. And I wasn’t taking advantage of that. So I don’t know how—to what extent I’ve been able to heal that error. Hopefully I’ve listened better through the years, and you’ve noticed through the years since you said that, that I’m doing a little bit better and listening a little bit more and letting you finish your sentences. [Gary chuckling]
I don’t know how much I still interrupt, because when I do it, I wouldn’t do it if I saw it. So my spiritual growth is like that. It’s a process of taking the catalyst that comes in and learning from it and trying to apply it. But hopefully, gradually, gradually climbing that mountain, becoming more mature, more able to love more fully, more able to receive love—that’s changed a lot. There was a time not too many years ago when I would not have been able to accept this much love, accept being helped this much. It would have troubled me enormously. And I have gotten to the point now where I’m able to accept love and accept the help without overly feeling inadequate because I can’t reciprocate.
Gary This question is answered least in words. This question is answered in one’s heart. But for what it’s worth, how do you experience the One Infinite Creator in your life?
Jim Well, the easiest way for me has been in the primal nature environment. The priest that married us at Carla’s church described me as a spiritual pagan. [laughter] That’s pretty close. He said it positively; he was complimenting me. He says, “You don’t need a church. Your church is in the woods!” And that’s pretty true. But I guess the more mature I get, I see the Creator in other people. When I really stop to think and I reflect upon somebody that I may end up having a relationship with—you know, customers or people I meet—everybody is the Creator! And that’s becoming more and more apparent to me. But the easiest thing, like I said, is for me to be outside. I always take a walk around the outdoors somewhere around 9 and 9:30 in the dim light, and feel the place, the presence of the place. It seems to have a lot more magic that’s apparent to me in the dim light. I’m not sure why.
Carla Well, it’s that time of day where it is magical, where it’s a switch from day to night or night to day and the nature spirits, some of them are going to sleep, some of them are waking up. So it’s very [sound of relieved exhalation] psychically exciting.
Jim Yeah, I think you’re right.
Carla For me, it was a song “The Cars” sang, “Every move you make, every step you take.” And that song is kinda spooky. But, you know, like “I’m stalking you.” [group laughs]
Jim I think that was The Police.
Carla But it’s like, me and spirit are like that. I see it everywhere. I see spirit everywhere, and that’s just gotten more profound as I get older. Every day is such a gift, and I almost want to say a redundant gift because, how can you get more beautiful? But it does. The flowers Jim gives me—every petal of those flowers. My heart is open to everything. And I’m just—I’m so glad. I think that one blessing of old age—and at 71, I think I could speak at least on the threshold of old age—is that you see . . .
Everything is so distracting when you’re young, and it’s hitting you so hard and you’re trying to keep up. But as you get older you sort of settle in and you see better. You sense better. Spirit is closer. I’m grateful for the age. I hope that I live a long time. You know, 100 would be good. [laugh-ter] I’d be glad to do that. And just spend that time keeping my heart open, and doing the job of helping to lighten planet Earth. It’s what we came to do. I’m glad to do that job. You know I’d like to get back to writing and stuff, but we’ll see what happens. It’s not possible right now. I can’t even see! I can’t type! Right now I can’t see well enough to work on writing and stuff. So I have to let that go and just be. And I’m glad to do that.
Gary When you look back and reflect upon your life, what do you see? What do you feel?
Carla Absolute perfection. I’m so grateful for all of it. I feel so blessed. This has been a wild walk. [laughter] And not predictable, but oh, so rewarding. I couldn’t possibly have had a better walk through life or known better people or had more wonderful experiences, in all kinds of environments. How about you?
Jim I feel that I’ve been blessed. A real blessing along the way. The path has always been pretty obvious for me; I haven’t had to wonder a lot about what step to take next. I think that’s a real blessing. I’m aware of so many people that have written in to us over the years saying that they really didn’t know what to do next. You know, I think that’s part of figuring out what to do next, but for me it was a process of just taking another step and keeping going. Like Carla says, it does look like, in retrospect, it was perfectly planned and carried out. And a wonderful adventure. An amazing adventure.
Carla Yeah, yeah. What he said! [laughter]
Symphony of Life
“Schopenhauer, in his splendid essay called On an Apparent Inten-tion in the Fate of the Individual, points out that when you reach an advanced age and look back over your lifetime, it can seem to have had a consistent order and plan, as though composed by some novelist. Events that when they occurred had seemed accidental and of little moment turn out to have been indispensable factors in the composition of a consistent plot. So who composed that plot? Schopenhauer suggests that just as your dreams are composed by an aspect of yourself of which your consciousness is unaware, so, too, your whole life is composed by the will within you.
And just as people whom you will have met apparently by mere chance became leading agents in the structuring of your life, so, too, will you have served unknowingly as an agent, giving meaning to the lives of others. The whole thing gears together like one big symphony, with everything unconsciously structuring everything else. And Schopenhauer concludes that it is as though our lives were the features of the one great dream of a single dreamer in which all the dream characters dream, too; so that everything links to everything else, moved by the one will to life which is the universal will in nature.” – Joseph Campbell§
§ Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers, The Power of Myth with Bill Moyers (New York: Anchor Books, 1988), 283–284.